Finding a Therapist You Connect With
Looking for a therapist these days feels a bit like online dating. You enter your search criteria—zip code, your must-haves, and deal-breakers—to then scroll through picture after picture until you spot one that seems to speak to you. You look at profile after profile until you can’t possibly look any longer and each profile blends into the next. Overwhelmed by all the choices and information, you put it off to another day when you have the energy to try again.
The time commitment and energy just to find someone you think you may connect with as a therapist is draining just to think about. Then you have to go through all of the initial steps and planning to get your first appointment to see if their profile matches the person in the room. There is a lot of investment just to get to the couch and that doesn’t include all the hard work therapy takes to make change.
I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about therapists my clients have met with before me (I have sadly lost count of the number of people who have told me their therapist has fallen asleep during the session!). And even more often, I hear that they therapist was “fine” or “oaky” but that my client stuck with them for months or years even if they weren’t seeing improvement because 1) It’s hard to a find a therapist these days and 2) The emotional investment in a therapist is rough and starting over is hard too.
First Steps
Starting with a bit of homework before even making a first appointment may increase the chances of finding someone who is a good fit and making sure that therapy works for you.
There are a number of ways to search for therapists (and psychiatrists as well):
Online search directories. There are two main directories, but more pop up daily both regionally and nationally or to address specific desires (e.g., African American Therapists to find an African American therapist near you, the San Diego CBT therapist network or a directory for Polyamory Friendly therapists).
The two main directories I direct people to are Psychology Today and Therapy Den. Psychology Today is by far the largest and Therapy Den is by far the more inclusive and values-based directory. Both will help you jumpstart finding a therapist.
Simple Google search with key words. This is a good way to find therapists around you who have the experience or qualities you’re looking for, but may make it harder to be choosy as there aren’t many ways to set filters.
Start as specific as possible and see what turns up. You might be surprised how many therapists specialize in exactly what you’re looking for—if you’re in a big city (if not, see special cases below). From there you can start to be more general to generate more returns if you’re not finding someone who’s a good match.
Through your insurance. Most insurance companies have online directories which pull up anyone who takes your insurance in a specified radius. This is fairly quick and easy. However, most insurance companies will also help you with this if you call. Some insurance companies will even call therapists on your behalf if you’re having trouble finding someone who is both taking new clients and your insurance.
These steps take time, but so should finding a good therapist.
Next Steps
Reaching out. If it’s easier to email than to call, go there next. Put all of your must haves in the email and if the therapist is able to accommodate those, then you may set up your initial meeting.
Be prepared to be ghosted. Yes, therapists do this too. Okay, maybe not quite the someone would on a dating app, but you will call far more therapists than those who will call you back. It’s my personal value to call or email every, single person who reaches out to the practice because I know how hard it is to find someone, but its not an easy fete some weeks. Most therapists work alone. It’s just them seeing a client every hour they work and they also do their own billing, emails, phone calls to current clients, paperwork and so on. If a therapist is not taking on new clients, you’re probably never going to hear from them, because they just don’t have the time. It’s not a good excuse, but its likely to happen.
The first meeting. After you find someone who fits your major criteria, it’s time to set up an initial appointment, or consultation. The first session should be an interview. And to be fair, your therapist will likely be interviewing you too, we just call it an assessment to sound more professional. Essentially, therapists need to know if they would not only be skilled at treating you, but comfortable doing so increasing the chance of feeling connected and doing good work.
Clients often get to the first meeting with their therapist and feel that they’ve put in so much work up to this point, that they’ll take the first therapist they meet. You wouldn’t do this for a job, or a partner, or even a pet—so don’t do this with your future therapist either. I recommend setting up one to two initial sessions with two or three different therapists that felt like a good fit via phone or email. You can even let the therapist(s) you’re meeting with know that you have a couple sessions set up with other therapist and will be deciding who you’ll continue to see after meeting each.
It’s my opinion, that anything about the therapist’s professional background or training as it relates to their job is fair game. From there, it is the personal preference of the therapist to decide how much or how little they want to disclose. If you prefer a therapist that shares more than less, this is a good thing to jot down on your list and talk about with your therapist versus a preference to keep things more specifically focused on treatment goals.
Take time to process. After your first session, I recommend taking time to process the session before deciding if the therapist is right for you. You may go ahead and make that next appointment (to avoid avoiding), but really consider how you felt in the session, how your therapist responded to you, if the connection is there that will allow you to open up and make real change in your life.
Special Cases
If you have specific needs or desires, I recommend starting with these in your initial phone call or email to a therapist. The most common concerns I hear are:
Insurance. If you plan to use insurance, this is something you want to verify before getting too invested. Does this therapist take your insurance? Do they bill insurance on your behalf or do they give you a receipt and require you to submit for reimbursement? Even if your insurance company says that a particular therapist is in-network, verify with the therapist directly.
Evening/weekend hours. Just like many of you, therapists traditionally work usual business hours. Not all therapists offer evening/weekend hours and if they do, these hours are usually limited and ALWAYS requested. If your situation is such that you absolutely cannot come during regular business hours, ask if the therapist has these hours available before investing further.
Specific type of therapy. If you’ve done your research or had therapy in the past and want a specific type of therapy (CBT, EMDR, person-centered) be sure to ask if the therapist does this from the get go.
Living in a rural or therapy-dry area. For those of you who live in rural areas or areas where therapists are not so abundant, I would recommend that you look into tele-therapy. This is exactly what it sounds like. Therapy using an online platform from the comfort of your home. Some people worry that not meeting in-person will affect the experience, but for most people once you get used to the video platform, you forget all about it. Research has also shown that tele-therapy can be just as effective as face-to-face meetings. Most major search directories will allow you to search for therapists that offer tele-therapy and insurance companies often have this information too.
Questions You Should ask Your Therapist
Lastly, below are a few questions to get you thinking about what to ask your therapist when you meet to lean more about them. The answers may help you figure out if they’re right for you.
What is your experience with treating ___________________ (fill in what you’re hoping to work on)?
What is your theoretical orientation or what strategies do you use with __________ (problem from above) and how do they work?
What do you find helps people successfully complete therapy with you?
What should I expect to do in sessions?
What should I expect to be doing outside of sessions?
Who would not be a good client for you?
Do you view therapy as time limited or on-going?
Happy therapist hunting!